The last time I confessed, I had mixed emotions about it. When I was trying to get pregnant with my second child, I was part of an online pregnancy board. When they found out I was pregnant, everyone was very happy and my inbox was flooded with congratulations and well wishes. When I found out it was just one baby I confessed I was disappointed it wasn’t twins. Just about everyone berated me for being selfish. Most of them said they would be happy to just get pregnant. I understood their point of view but at the same time, I think they were a little harsh.
However, for me it felt good to say I was sad I wasn’t pregnant with twins. I felt free even though I had to deal with people calling me selfish. One person did reach out to me privately and told me she understood. She was trying to get pregnant and it was so hard for her, that when she did get pregnant she hoped it would be twins also. She also said she would never confess it to the online group after seeing what I went through.
The thing about confessing is when you do it, it might indeed make you feel better but at the same time may hurt other people.
I had a friend who was an alcoholic who was going through a 12 step program. One of the steps was to admit the nature of his wrongs. He told his wife he had cheated numerous of times. She left him. He still stands by his decision to confess. He said it was necessary for him to become the person he wanted to be.
There are all sorts of confessions. Some are as simple as, I wasn’t really busy last night, I just didn’t feel like seeing you. Then there are major confessions like Trevell Coleman’s in 2010. He was a New York music artist whose guilty conscience led him to confess of shooting a man in 1993.
“I’m just trying to get right with God,” he said.
When he confessed he didn’t know the man he shot had died and he was charged with murder. He was later sentenced to 15 years in prison.
My confession is a small one. The first time I told my husband he immediately said, are you serious? I remember him looking at me and tilting his with a very concerned look on his face.
I’m revealing my confession to you, not to make me feel better, but maybe to help someone else.
When I was pregnant with my second child, I didn’t think I was going to love her as much as my first and was scared I wouldn’t bond with her.
I don’t know if it was because I wanted another boy or because I still had resentment that it wasn’t twins. I do know for most of my pregnancy every time someone asked me about the baby, I faked being excited and would smile and tell them I couldn’t wait.
I felt guilty and ashamed. I then came across some research about how some mother’s don’t bond with their children immediately, even after the child is born. For most mothers it comes immediately, for some it takes time.
However, as soon as my beautiful baby girl was born, I loved her immediately just as much as my son. I didn’t think my heart was big enough or strong enough to love another baby but it was.
A few weeks later a friend came over and asked me if I was having any issues bonding with baby. As soon as she asked, I found myself confessing about all my fears that I wouldn’t.
My friend then confessed to me. She told me it took her a month to form a bond with her baby. It was hard for her and the guilt she felt was tremendous. However, when she confessed to her doctor he told her that about 20% of mothers don’t immediately bond with their babies. The doctor went on to explain that most mothers never confess to not having a bond with their baby and it happens a lot more than people think and not to be ashamed. My friend said after her doctor, she immediately felt better.
© 2014, MaLu Bradford Beyonce,
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You may reach MaLu Bradford Beyonce at firstname.lastname@example.org