Dear Crabbie
Oct 09, 2013 | 1326 views | 0 0 comments | 13 13 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Dear Crabbie: I see my hero Kanye West called himself "the number one rock star on the planet" in a recent interview with the BBC. Wouldn’t you agree? – Krazy for Kanye

Dear Krazy: Almost. Delete “star” from his claim, and his description would be spot on.

Dear Crabbie: Apparently, the Bradford Regional Medical Center in Pennsylvania is the first hospital to treat Internet addiction. I’m thinking of going, but I live on the West Coast. Do you think it would be worth the trip? – Virtually Addicted

Dear Addicted: I’d check first, to see if their therapy is available on-line.

Dear Crabbie: I am concerned for the First Family. During the recent government shutdown, the president’s care and maintenance staff were reduced by over 80%. This meant he only had two housekeepers, one butler, one chef, and one usher on duty during the day. Although I’m on Food Stamps, I want to help the president’s family. What should I do? – Poor, but Concerned

Dear Concerned: Clearly, a US president with only one chef makes us a laughing stock in the world’s eyes. Stop selfishly hoarding those Food Stamps and forward them to the White House immediately.

Dear Crabbie: Lately, I’ve been hearing voices from God. The creator of the universe has been telling me to do something important like write a bestseller, rather than work towards ending world hunger, global warming, or war. Should I be concerned? – Inma Head

Dear Inma: Wake up! Who do you think you are, Bill O’Reilly?

Dear Crabbie: My bottle of over-the-counter pain medication says I should only take up to 4 pills a day. But I take two or three times that. Can I sue the manufacturer if I get liver damage? – Pill Popper Pete

Dear Pete: As long as they can countersue you for overdosing in stupidity.

Dear Crabbie: I can now sort of identify with Oprah. I recently went to a store to buy a handbag for my girlfriend, but the sales clerk would not serve me either. In my case, I suspect it was because I wasn’t wearing shoes or a shirt, had body piercings in my nose, lips, cheeks and eyebrows, had rainbow colored spiked hair, and tattoos from head to foot. Isn’t this discrimination? – Spike

Dear Spike: It certainly is. The salesperson was being very discriminating.

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