My Amazingly Evil Plan To Win The 2013 Boston
Marathon And Then Apologize To Oprah For
What I Did Wrong
By: Michael Levin
Like all of us, I was deeply affected by the revelation that Lance Armstrong had been cheating all those years when he won the Tour de France.
It inspired me to cheat, when I run this year’s Boston Marathon.
And not get caught.
For years and years.
And then go on Oprah and tell a shocked and grieving Nation that I won the 2013 Boston Marathon by cheating.
And then go on a nationwide Apology Tour, during which I will visit all of the major media markets with my new book, “Rosie And Me,” about how guilty I feel that I cheated to win the Boston.
Okay, not that guilty, but I’ll seem like I feel guilty. Just like Lance.
I have in fact run the Boston Marathon four of the last eight times, including the very windy 2005 edition and the stinky hot 2012 version. So I am no stranger to Heartbreak Hill.
Or the Store 24 where you can load up on Snickers bars and Haagen-Dazs after the race.
But enough about me.
Here’s my evil plan.
First, I have to shave four hours off my finishing time. Without that, I really won’t be in contention.
Next, I will identify the six runners most likely to win the Boston if I don’t. They shouldn’t be that hard to find – they’re the people who beat me the last four times I ran Boston. Okay, so did 20,000 other runners. But first I have to identify the likely winners.
Now this is where you come in.
Just as Lance raised money for a charity, I also raise money for a charity. Mine is Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, which raises millions every year for basic cancer research. It’s a great cause because 100% of the money raised goes to cancer research and not one dollar to overhead.
It allows young researchers to overcome the Catch-22 they face: they can’t get grants for high-level research without first demonstrating results; and they can’t demonstrate results until they have money to do research. The millions raised during the Dana-Farber Marathon Challenge goes to these researchers, so they can prove initial results and thus qualify for major grants to continue their research into causes, treatment, and prevention of cancer.
Over the years I’ve raised about $40,000 for Dana-Farber. But this year, I’m going to do something different.
I’m inviting you to make a donation to my Dana-Farber campaign by going to this location: http://www.runDFMC.org/2013/michaell.
What so evil about that?
In between working on cutting four hours off my marathon time, I have actually written a computer program that secretly diverts the money you donate to Dana-Farber into a secret offshore slush fund. I will secretly divide that money among the six most likely finishers so that when they see me making my big charge down Boylston Street, they will all either feign injury or just get out of my way.
And thus I will win the 2013 Boston Marathon.
Is it wrong? Is it evil?
Do I feel guilty about my plan?
No, not yet. But I will in a few years, after an extensive investigation by Travis Tygart and the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency. They will not turn up any evidence that I used illegal drugs to shave four hours after my marathon time, because I will have done that honestly and fairly. But there will be whispers in the media and the blogosophere that a slow-moving 54-year-old had no business sneaking past those top six elite runners.
And then comes Oprah, the apology tour, the best selling book, “Rosie And Me,” and then a retreat to the private island I will buy myself with the money from book sales.
So that’s why it’s so important that you donate to my Dana-Farber Marathon Challenge drive.
I’ve already raised $5,000 through legitimate means, but I’m tired of being honest. Writing to friends and business associates and asking for money is so last year. So please give generously, confident in the knowledge that you get the tax write-off for the donation and I get to win the Boston Marathon.
My 12-year-old daughter asked me to conclude this by reminding you that this is all nonsense to make you laugh and donate to my race, because otherwise you’ll think that I am, in her words, a “lunatic.”
New York Times best selling author and Shark Tank survivor Michael Levin runs www.BusinessGhost.com, and is a nationally acknowledged thought leader on the future of book publishing. Visit http://www.runDFMC.org/2013/michaell to donate.