Dear Crabbie: My wife wants me to take dance lessons. But I have two left feet. What should I do? – Dancer without any stars
Dear Dancer: Choose a decent instructor: The Fred Astaire Dance Studio – excellent; The Miley Cyrus Grind and Groan Dance Academy – not so much.
Dear Crabbie: I’m a big Lady Gaga fan and looking forward to seeing her perform in our town soon. I’ll be taking along all my Gaga stuff to show how much I love her. I’ll be wearing my Lady Gaga t-shirt, hat, and earrings, and will have my Lady Gaga iPhone case, keyring and lunchbox. What else do I need? – Gaga for Gaga
Dear Ga: Therapy.
Dear Crabbie: I’m traveling to northern Australia soon for some adventure. From what I’ve heard, they post warning signs about crocodiles in the rivers and ponds. But those Aussies are big kidders, so I plan to go swimming. Do you think that’s a good idea? – Ron Moore
Dear Mr. Moore (Ron): In your case, yes.
Dear Crabbie: I’ve been married for nearly 10 years and we have 8 children. My husband’s birthday is coming up soon and I’m stuck for a gift. What should I give him? – Home bound
Dear HB: His own bedroom.
Dear Crabbie: I live in LA and believe I saw Lindsay Lohan driving down the street the other day. If I should see her on the road again, how could I get her attention? – LL fan
Dear LL fan: Don’t even try. Get off the street and seek shelter immediately.
Dear Crabbie: I recently participated in the annual mooning of an Amtrak train where some 10,000 Californians lined up to “moon” a passing train. Will you join us next year? – I. Bottomly
Dear IB: No. In other news, for years the United States has placed low (17th in 2012) in rankings of educational achievements for developed countries. I can’t understand it.
Dear Crabbie: My brother and I are so different. He hang-glides, enters goldfish swallowing contests, scuba dives with sharks, and does motocross. I prefer to hang out in a hot tub, nibbling on Goldfish cheese snacks, with my rubber ducky, doing crosswords. What do you think makes us so different? – Reluctant Adventurer
Dear Reluctant: About 75 IQ points.
Dear Crabbie: My family fight, swears, and abuses each other, has no talent or interests, half of them are divorced, and the other half are in jail. What should we do to be noticed and picked up by a cable channel for a reality show? – Hopeful Star
Dear Hopeful: Not a thing. Several TV execs are on their way to sign you up right now.